*You can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the morning.

*You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine.

*You can’t see it; it’s probably not there.

*Your sense of humor seems to get more warped each year.

*You think it is acceptable to use “penis” and “vagina” in a normal conversation.

*You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

*You believe that if warm wine enemas were routinely ordered, patient complaints would greatly decrease.

*You call some of your co-workers “Flowers in the Field of Medicine” because they’re bloomin’ idiots.

*You hope there’s a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

*You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.

*You believe experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

*You see stress as a normal way of life.

*You have a tendency to laugh at your patient’s “big” problems.

*You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

*You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

*You’ve ever thought, “Patients, God love ’em, because today, I sure don’t!”

*Everything only happens all at once.

*You have more T-shirts that say, “Love a nurse PRN” than plain T-shirts.

*You’ve ever referred to other nurses as “Band-Aid Bunnies.”

*You’ve ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.

*You write a patient report and have to translate it to medical records because of all the acronyms in it.

*You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

*You look in your closet and can’t find anything non-medical to wear.

*You’ve ever told anyone in pain to “stop being a baby and deal with it.”

*You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you’re a nurse, you reply “Yes”, and walk away.

*You’ve ever told a patient to “stop faking it.”

*You believe all bleeding stops…eventually.

*You don’t get excited about blood loss unless it’s your own.

*You don’t hit patients or doctors….unless absolutely necessary.

*You believe the pain will go away when it stops hurting.

*Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you’ve obviously don’t understand the situation.

*You believe if you can keep your head among all this confusion, you obviously don’t understand the situation.

*You’ve ever said, “Why am I here?”

*If you believe if a patient who has a catheter, he needs it.

*Everyone gets treated exactly the same…until they piss you off.

*When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.

*When called for orders, the MD says, “Write them yourself; you know the patient better than I do.”

*You’ve ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.

*Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, “No, I’ve never had sex.”

*You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

*You can eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesn’t bother you.

*You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.

*You’ve ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone’s vein and said, “Now your going to feel a little stick.”

*You can identify the “PID Shuffle” and the “Kidney Stone Squirm” at 15 feet.

*You’ve ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, “I’m afraid of shots.”

*You’ve ever thought, “As long as he’s got a pulse, I don’t care about the rhythm.”

*You think the ultimate cruel joke is get someone drunk, take them to the ER and tell them he OD’d on “some kind of pills.”

*You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.

*You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, “Just two beers.”

*You feel that if someone is shot or stabbed, they probably deserved it.

*You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.

*You think “awake and stupid” is an appropriate choice for mental status.

*You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

*You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA.

*You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

*Your most common assessment question at 2 a.m. is “Why is this an emergency now?”

*You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

*You don’t believe 90% of what you’re told, and 75% of what you see.

*You firmly believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis.

*You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

*You believe a book entitled “Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time” will be your next project.

*You believe a good tape job will fix anything.

*You’ve ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, “I don’t know how that got stuck in there.”

*You have ever had a patient say, “I’m not pregnant, I can’t be pregnant! I can’t be having a baby!”

*You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol.

*You can think of another 200 examples of “You Might Be a Nurse If…”